3!

As an infant, Josie was a good baby. She slept pretty well and was pretty even tempered. We were head over heels in love with her. We absolutely adored out first baby girl!

At six months old, Josie was super mobile. She was crawling, sitting, and constantly on the go. She was by far my busiest baby. She hit all her milestones early and she loved getting around. Her smile was contagious. She was so outgoing and social. She was such a joy!

At a year old, Josie was still just as sweet as ever. She wasn't a very snuggly baby, she was far too busy for any of that. She had been walking for several months and was getting the hang of running. She was starting to talk. We loved hearing the new words she would learn! We were definitely busy trying to keep up with her!

 Also, we died over those baby blues!

At 18 months we were starting to notice her diva personality emerging. She was getting sassy (in funny AND frustrating ways), she was becoming increasingly fashion conscious (making it difficult to dress her every day), and was developing her own tastes and opinions (anything girly = awesome). We were starting to get a taste of the terrible two's/three's. We were scared.

At two years old, Josie was in full on diva mode. Oh we loved our little princess - and she knew it! She could throw a tantrum to rival the great Pootie (which we thought was impossible). On the other hand, her personality was such a treat. She was a constant source of amusement. She would make us laugh and laugh! She loved 'mow mows' (cats), 'kuh-kuh' (Clayton), being 'pitty', and 'soos' (shoes). We were learning to decipher "Josie-speak" and having a great time becoming fluent!

At this point we knew that she wasn't going to be our only little princess, and we were nervous about how she was going to make the adjustment (let's face it, she'd been pretty spoiled).

Now here we are. Three years old. We are just as in love and addicted to this little pincess as we were on the day she was born (probably more so).

She adjusted seamlessly into her role as big sister and loves Sammie so much that it makes me proud. She and Noah are very similar in personality so, unfortunately, it results in more than a few fights but I guess that's what I get for having my stubborn, opinionated kids back to back. She's endlessly entertaining. She loves to sing and dance, she absolutlely adores Clayton (she and Noah are pretty cute together too, when they're not fighting), she has a tight little group of friends and she loves to be social and play.

Much like when she was a baby, Josie is constantly on the go. She doesn't do anything halfway. When she makes up her mind to do something, she goes for it. I love how determined and dedicated she is. Like Noah, she is very strong willed and independent (if you've ever tried to get her dressed, you know what I'm talking about here). She loves all things girly or princessy, her favorites being Ariel, Rapunzel, and Hello Kitty. She also can appreciate getting down and dirty with the boys, and she loves going outside and playing with them (although bugs kind of do freak her out).

She's sassy, funny, silly, friendly, outgoing, loving, determined, pretty, opinionated, and feisty. Even though I know that we still have the terrible three's ahead of us (because we all know that those are far worse than the terrible two's, right?) I wouldn't want her to be any other way. She knows who she is and I must admit, I am downright crazy for this big girl! I love you Josie, happy birthday!

Remembrance...and Acknowledgement

Josie's birthday is next week. She's going to be three. It's wild. I simply cannot believe that she's that old (although her attitude is there to remind me). This post however, is not about Josie - there will be plenty of that next week. Every year since Josie was born (and this includes the weeks before her birth as well) I get a little sentimental about someone else.

Josie is my third child, but she wasn't my third pregnancy. In January, seven months before we concieved Josie, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy. It was a sad and scary experience.

At the end of December/beginning of January I noticed that something wasn't right with my body (I'll spare you the details here). I called my OBGYN that had delivered Noah. I was never a fan of this practice but they were the only ones I had so them I called. I was told that I had an annual scheduled for March and they'd see me then. I told them my symptoms and the nurse didn't seem overly concerned so she was insistent that there was no need to be seen and that they'd see me in March. I know my body. I know when something is wrong and I knew I needed to be seen soon.

I ended up calling my family doc (who came highly recommended - we LOVE the family docs around here). He got me in right away. I explained my symptoms and he asked if I was pregnant. I told him I was not. I had thought a few weeks prior to that that I might have been (even though we weren't trying and I was on the pill) but I took a few tests that all came out negitive. Instead of disagreeing with me or being condescending he told me that they were going to do a blood draw and look for a variety of reasons why I was having my issues but there would be a pregnancy test among them.

I was relieved to be proactive. That night, a Thursday, my doc called and told me that my pregnancy test came back positive. I was shocked! However, he told me that something wasn't right. When a woman gets pregnant (and I'm not down with all the medical specifics, so I may not word this right) her HCG levels (the pregnancy hormone) double for the first few days. So you start at zero and get to the 100+ range pretty dang fast. My levels were not as high as they should have been considering how far along he thought I probably was. Based on my other sympotms we suspected that I was in the middle of a miscarriage. To be on the safe side though, he ordered me another blood draw for the following day. If my HCG levels went down (which we expected) then it was confirming that I was miscarrying. If they went up, then the pregnancy was viable, but something was wrong.

I knew that we weren't done having kids. At this point Noah was almost 14 months old so even though we weren't planning at that time to have another kid, it wouldn't have been sad or unwelcome at all to have been pregnant. I spent that night and the following day playing different scenarios out in my head. I honestly wasn't sure what I hoped the outcome would be.

I went for my blood draw on Friday afternoon. I wasn't able to get there until almost the end of the day. I knew that, because of the time, my doctor most likely woudn't be able to get back to me with my results until Monday. That was a little frustrating, but I figured I was probably miscarrying anyway so it didn't really matter. I was only 4-5 weeks along and I wouldn't need surgery or anything.

Saturday morning I woke up super early, 4:30, in intense pain. Blinding. It was in my abdomen and I thought, 'here we go'. I lay in bed for a while curled up in the fetal position just trying to deal with it until I couldn't anymore. I got up, thinking that perhaps it'd feel better to 'walk it off'. Nope. The pain literally brought me to my knees. I don't know that I'd call it worse than labor, but it was horrible and brutal in a completely different way.

About this time, Justin woke up to my distress. We both assumed my pain was related to the miscarriage. I took a warm bath to try to feel better but I was feeling worse. By 6 or 7 I couldn't really even stand on my own anymore. I was vomiting and white as a sheet. I could tell that Justin was becoming very worried. He asked me where exactly my pain was. I told him it was my lower left side. He percussed my abdomen (technical way of saying tapped around) and told me we needed to get to the ER. He wouldn't say exactly why he was concerned but I could tell he was serious. I felt a little silly thinking that we needed to go to the ER for a 5 week miscarriage, but he was quietly forceful enough that I knew I needed to trust him. Our very good friends came over immediately to be with the boys. By this point I couldn't get out to the car on my own.

When we got to the ER, I was pleased to see that it was relatively empty. We got to triage right away. By this point, I was actually feeling a little better. I could walk on my own and the pain wasn't as intense. I was beginning to feel a little foolish, but I remembered how serious Justin had been and how much pain I had been in so I didn't want to go back home. We were admitted right away. That was when I first heard, 'ectopic pregnancy'.

Up to that moment, I'd never heard of that. I didn't know what that meant. I had a silly P.A. (not that all P.A's are silly, but this one was) try to explain my female reproductive system like a house. I remember, in the midst of all the drama and emotion thinking, "Guy, are you serious!?!". They got my bloodwork from the previous day and, sure enough, my HCG leves had gone up. Not doubled, like they would have with a normal pregnancy, but increased no less. This baby was living.

I was scared. The P.A., the nurse, Justin, the doctor all explained in various ways the dangers and risks associated with ectopic pregnancy. I was so confused. I was told that I was going to get an ultrasound to see where the baby was and that I might need surgery to have one of my fallopian tubes removed. I was hearing words like 'rupture' and 'death'. (**Note: aside from the P.A. everyone was very kind and sympathetic, but I was just in a whole other place. A place all to myself.) After the doctor left to get the ultrasound, my mom called. She was on her way to a bridal shower or baby shower or some such happy event. However, I'd just gotten the scariest news I've ever had. I blurted out that I was in the hospital. I was hysterical in a way that I hadn't allowed myself to be until she called. I was sobbing and could barely speak. The nurse walked in at that point so Justin took the phone away from me and continued to talk to my mom out in the hall.

They came back with the ultrasound machine and thought they could see the embryo implanted in my left tube (that's what an ectopic pregnancy is, when the egg doesn't make it into your uterus before it becomes fertalized - as it grows it can rupture your fallopian tube causing you to have trouble conceiving, infertility, or death). However, since my pregnancy was so new, they needed to get a clearer picture. Enter the internal ultrasound machine. I'll spare you the details of that, but I will tell you that this ultrasound lasted 30-45 minutes. For those of you who have had internal ultrasounds before, you know how uncomfortable and ackward this is.

It was confirmed, a viable, growing pregnancy, right smack dab in the middle of my left fallopian tube. Right then and there I had a hard decision to make. What to do next?

My options were: terminate the pregnancy or let it grow and possiby terminate me. I am a HUGE pro-life person. I always have been. I always will be. I knew from a very young age that it would take something very serious for me to ever consider terminating one of my own pregnancies. Maybe you think this is a no brainer. Letting this baby grow would have been a phenominally bad idea. I could NEVER have carried it out of my first trimester. Logically, medically, I knew this. As a mother, I was torn. I looked to Justin for confirmation and he very sadly told me what I already knew in my heart. We had to let this one go.

Because I was so early in my pregnancy, this would not require surgery. They gave me a shot of methotrexate (I may have spelled that wrong). Methotrexate is a drug most commonly used in fighting cancer. It basically kills foreign cells in the body. I was able to leave the hospital that night.

I didn't think I was pregnant. Didn't even know it until it was alarmingly too late, but I felt empty. It's wild how much you can love and want something that you didn't even know you had. I was wracked with guilt (sometimes I still am - I know it's okay, but still) and I was heartbroken. My mom had booked a plane ticket that night and she came out with me to help with my recovery.

Physically, my recovery was no big deal. I was a little sore where the injection was but even that pain was gone in a day or so. Emotionally I was a different story. I cried for a long time, and sometimes still cry a little when I think about it. Even though it was for a short time, and I didn't even know it was there most of the time, this baby was part of me and I had to let it go. No one else had the authority at that time to end my pregnancy. I was the one who had to say the words aloud and allow the doctor to give me that shot. Having my mom out helped. More than I think she realized at the time.

Seven months later, after two months of actually trying, we got pregnant with Josie. We are over-the-moon crazy about her and always have been, but I can't help but think of the one that left so that she could be here. I think about it often but it occured to me this week that I've never actually acknowledged this little life on my blog. I did a little blurb about it right after it happened, but deleted it. It was too fresh to talk about then. Too raw.

But as I think about her now (and that baby has always been a 'her' to me) I feel like I need to say - or write - something. To say, "She existed and when she left part of me changed!".

So as Josie's birthday approaches and before I get into full Josie-mode (which entails everything pink and princessy), I needed to put this baby out there. To acknowledge that, even though she didn't make it here, she's a part of my family. I rarely talk about her, but I think of her often. I never got to feel her grow, hold her in my arms, watch her hit milestones, or celebrate her birthdays, but I love her. And I'm grateful that, because my Heavenly Father was so mindful of me, my pregnancy with her wasn't my last. I'm grateful for the wonderful brothers that came before her and the sweet sisters that followed her.

There is a lot of sadness and heartache for me in this story, but a lot of joy and love too. I'm glad that I know that there is a plan for me and that my needs were met - physical, spiritual, and emotional. I'm glad that I get to think of this baby everytime I prepare to celebrate another year of Josie. It's almost like this baby gave me a gift, because if I hadn't had the ectopic, we might not have gotten Josie.

I'm thankful. I'm blessed. And I'm absolutely in love with a sweet little one that I've never met.

Easter

We had a great Easter this year. It started with my dad flying out to help us install our new hardwood floors in our dining room (by 'help us' I really mean 'do it for us'). We had fun hanging out with him of Thursday, watching him work on Friday, and playing on Saturday (which is when we had all our Easter festivities because he left too early on Sunday).
Here is a sneak peek of my dad and his "helpers" installing the floor. My dad is awesome, he did the whole floor by himself in 8 hours. I think he could have been faster even if my kids didn't insist on "helping" (at one point, Josie upended a box of nails down the heating vent - biiiiiig helpers). I'll do a whole post on the finished product later.

Because I was completely off my game this year, we didn't dye eggs. I had every intention of dying them, I even went so far as to hard boil a bunch, but things got hectic and schedules got full quickly once my dad arrived so eggs never got colored (although, given the circumstances, I'm not even a little sad or guilt-ridden about it). So I have no pictures of the traditional Easter egg dying to share.

On Saturday though, my brother and his family came over for an Easter egg hunt and a very large (and very delicious) Easter dinner.
Clayton was all business with his egg hunting.

 Doesn't he look intense!?!

 Noah was into the egg hunting, but not as much as Clayton was. Cute Pootie.

 Great action shot.

Josie chose to hunt as Belle. I mean, why do something the regular way when you can do it the princess way?

 These two just sat and watched all the chaos. Love them.

 Grandpa and the grandkids.

 Say, "Easter egg!"

 Me and my super special hubby anxiously awaiting Easter dinner.

Easter morning was fun. The kids had completely forgotten about their Easter baskets so they weren't in any hurry to get downstairs until I casually mentioned it. Then they were chomping at the bit to get downstairs!

Josie was so excited to find Tinkerbell dress ups in her basket.

 The boys had Wii K'NEX, push rockets, and fancy rubber band airplanes.

 Doing the dance of joy over finding his basket.

Nekked fairy. Josie refuses to wear clothing under her dress ups. Usually it's not a problem, but when your dress up outfit doesn't involve a shirt...that could be a problem.

Clayton was involved in the K'NEX club at school this year. He was so excited to get K'NEX in his Easter basket because he already knew how to work with them. He got his car and Noah's car built in no time (with absolutely zero help from me). And yes, he sleeps in his underwear, he's such a boy.

 In their Sunday best.

I probably should have taken pictures of them outside in the greenery, but I was worried that if I took them outside they'd see all their opportunities to get dirty. Since we hadn't gone to church yet, I chose to steer clear of the outside. Still pretty dang cute though!

 I love how Clayton and Sammie are looking at each other in this picture. I have the greatest kids. Each one of them is different and wonderful. Even though they fight and get on each other's nerves sometimes I know how much they all love each other.

For dinner we had leftovers from our feast the day before. Sammie had her first experience with ham. She LOVED it! I gave her a big hunk of ham to work with and she sucked that thing dry!

 I love these cute looks of concentration. Because of how much she loved it we started calling her 'Hammie Sammie'.

 "I will get you!"

Our Easter was wonderful. We had great food, great company, and great times. This year, when I told the boys the Easter story they were so attentive and inquisitive. I think Clayton, in particular, is starting to really understand why Easter is so important to us. We are greatful for our Savior and His atonement and resurrection. We are greatful for the knowledge that we can be an eternal family. I am greatful for the Easter season and the renewal and uplift it brings. I hope your Easter was just as wonderful!

The Zoo!

This week is spring break. I've tried to have something fun and out of the ordinary on the schedule for every day this week. Most of the things are small and simple (a picnic at the park, being watched by a babysitter - which my kids love, having a cousin over for a sleepover, etc.), but I wanted to do at least one big activity. For us today, it was going to the zoo. I'm not usually a big zoo fan. It's not that I don't like animals, I just don't always see the point in going somewhere just to watch them lay around. However, today was fun. I had such a great time with my kids today. It surprised me a little. I do love doing things with my kids and they are usually enjoyable, but sometimes I do things because I want them to look back at their childhoods with happy memories - not necessarily because I particularly love them (i.e. - the zoo). But today was great. We all had a fantastic time. The weather started off a little chilly (which worried me because we went to the zoo once last year in the cold and we did not last long) but warmed up to the point where we were comfortable but not too hot. We were there almost three hours! Maybe that's nothing to you zoo-enthusiasts, but for us, this was something. If Sammie hadn't been with us we may have lasted even longer.

We saw all the exhibits. Clayton was the map man and had a good time being our zoo guide, Noah loved seeing the different animals and imitating their sounds (he does a mean swan sound - seriously, dead on), Josie was also a huge fan of looking at the animals - and imitating them, and Sammie loved napping almost the entire time. Here is the photographic evidence of our day:
Pouring over the map to figure out our route through the zoo.

One thing I appreciated this time at the zoo that I've never been able to experience before was having the boys actually care about the facts of each animal. Usually we just look and watch. This time Clayton would read the little plaque and we learned some pretty cool facts!

Seeing how far we can jump (none of us are headed to the Olympics for the long jump any time soon).

Usually the otters and the prairie dogs are my favorite (because they're the most animated and entertaining). Today the flaminoes were the best by a long shot!

We were walking away from the flamingo habitat when we heard what sounded a lot like a goose. I didn't think much of it because geese run wild around South Bend (seriously, they're everywhere). Upon cloer inspection we discovered that two of the flamingoes had wandered to the very edge of the exhibit and were standing by the stairs that lead to the zoo restraunt - probably looking for a snack. The kids were able to sit on the stairs and play peek-a-boo with the flamingoes. Yes, peek-a-boo. The kids would duck their heads down and the flamingoes would duck their heads behind the fence, then the kids would pop their heads up and the flamingoes would pop their heads up. They were so close! I had to remind the kids several times not to get too close (we could easily have touched them)! We stayed there and played with those flamingoes for probably 15 minutes or so. It was my favorite part of the zoo for sure!

Josie loved the flamingoes for several reasons. The main one seemed to be that they were pink. Go figure.

Such cool birds!

I'm noticing that I didn't take many picture of the animals we saw, but believe me, we saw plenty. I was just so impressed and pleased with how my kids were handling themselves that I couldn't keep the camera off them. Noah and Josie fight a lot lately. I think they're just too similar sometimes. Both opinionated. Both stubborn. Today they were getting along famously! It gives me hope for their relationship!

 Clayton and Noah watching the monkeys.

 Sammie was in her own happy place.

It just wouldn't be an outing if there wasn't at least one pout session. Fortunately this was toward the end of our visit and so we just took pictures of her and laughed. She snapped out of it.

 I love this picture!

After we'd been there about two hours Kerstin showed up with her kids. It was awesome! The kids had been waiting and waiting to ride the train until they got there. Kerstin was the brave one who rode the train with all 7 of the older kids while I stayed behind with our strollers and the still sleeping Sammie.

 Who just happened to wake up while they were riding the train.

These cousins love hanging out together. Every time they see each other (which is pretty frequent since we live so close these days) you'd swear it was the first time in years. They get so excited. I love that they're close.

This picture just makes me smile. Josie and Tori are becoming good little friends. They held hands almost the entire time. Cute, cute girls.

 I wanted one group shot to commemorate our day. I think we did pretty good.

Shortly after Sammie woke up we left the zoo to go to the park across the street for lunch and a little bit of playing. After today I find myself wondering if we shouldn't get a season pass for the zoo. I'm looking forward to returning!

Now for tomorrow...Grandpa (or "Pumpah" as we like to call him) is coming! New flooring and new adventures await us. Best. Spring. Break. Ever!