Let Me Hold You Longer...

One of my nightly rituals before I go to bed is to go into each one of my kids' rooms and check on them as they sleep, tuck them in, and kiss them goodnight. Occasionally I talk to them. I whisper things to them that I want them to know. Things that I hope sneak into their subconscious and stay there forever. Things that will perhaps snake their way into their dreams.

One of my favorite parts of this is that sometimes they talk back to me. I'll say, 'I love you' and they'll say, 'I love you, too' or ' I know'. Sometimes I'll tell them silly little stories and they'll laugh in their dreams. Sometimes I'll apologize for something I've done that may have hurt their feelings and they'll forgive me. Sometimes we're able to carry on small simple conversations. Hands down, this is one of my most favorite and cherished things in life.
Tonight Clayton and I had a conversation:

Me: I love you.
Clayton: I love you, too.
Me: You are such a good boy.
Clayton: I know I'm a good boy.
Me: I'm really glad you're my son.
Clayton (smiles in his sleep): Me too.
Me: I never want you to grow up, I want you to stay like this always.
Clayton (small sleepy laugh): No.
Me: Fine then, but you have to promise never to get too old or too big for your mom.
Clayton (small sigh - even in dreams he gets exasperated with me): Mom, I could never get to old for you. You never get too old for a mom.

I had to leave the room after that. I told him once more that I loved him and then bailed before I started to cry. I have such an amazing kid and even though he won't remember this conversation in the morning, it is one that I will probably think back on often as he gets older. As his desire for independence grows I'll be able to remind myself that - deep down - he knows that he's a good boy, he knows that I love him, and he knows that he'll never get too old for me.

There's a book by Karen Kingsbury called 'Let Me Hold You Longer' which I think every mother should have on her shelf (seriously, buy it - you'll cry for sure, but you won't regret it). It is a sweet poem about what you might do if you knew it would be the last time your child crawled in your lap with a book, asked for help with homework, needed a ride somewhere, etc. It's a very sweet and tender book. One of the lines goes:

Precious, simple moments and
Bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if
I'd known they were your last?

I feel like this sums up exactly how I feel about Clayton right now. I'm desperately trying to hold on to the little boy he used to be while allowing him to mature and grow. It's tricky and a little hard for me at times but after tonight, after hearing him admit that he'll never outgrow me, I think I can get one step closer to accepting the growth and independence that's coming.