Heartsick

My heart is broken today. Absolutely broken. I can't believe what happened in Connecticut. To children. Kindergartners.

When Columbine happened I was devistated. I felt so sad for their families and the kids at the school. This feels different. I have kids now. I have a kindergartner no less. As a mother I absolutely cannot imagine the horror that is this day. I woke up this morning, put my boys on a bus, wrapped Christmas gifts, went to the gym, and went to Justin's holiday work party. Things that may have been on the agenda for other parents. Other parents whose days were interrupted by a nightmare. I think this is the nightmare that is shared by parents everywhere. The loss of a child.

Ashley texted me about it and said that she wasn't sure she could have kids now. I've been thinking about that. Being a parent is hard. Really, really hard. In a lot of different ways. There's the initial no-sleep phase which leads into the mobility-baby-proofing phase which leads to the toddler tantrum phase which leads to this, the sending-your-kid-into-the-world phase (which I'm sure only gets harder the older your kids get).

I'm not going to lie, it's HARD to let your kids go out into the world. I worry constantly about what might happen to my kids when they're away from the protective bubble of our home. I worry about their physical safety - what could go wrong on a bus, what could happen at school, etc. I worry about their emotional safety - what if they get bullied, what if they feel inferior, what if they stop seeing themselves the way I've tried to teach them to see themselves. Basically I worry a lot.

There are some really horrible people in this world. Really wicked and evil people. As I've read about the tragedy in Connecticut today I think about my little Noah. A kindergartner. I doubt he's ever felt anything but safe and secure his whole life. I think, as parents, that's what we try to create for our kids. A home of safety and security. Love and trust. Sure, we teach them about strangers and the perils of getting lost and a whole host of other important safety lessons but it's not like we teach that by example. I think now of all those kids in Connecticut who have lost that feeling of trust and security. My heart breaks for them.

Yet, in spite of all this sadness and worry and heartsickness, I can't regret having kids. You can't let the bad things in this world (and, yes, there are plenty) keep you from experiencing the joy because of what could 'potentially' happen. Having and raising children has been the greatest joy of my life.

I have to trust our Heavenly Father. I'm not going to say that this is part of His plan and that those parents are not being challenged beyond what they can bare because I don't think that's true. I will say this though: Heavenly Father loves us. There are many, many things in this life that I don't understand but I know that if we have faith and trust in Him He will bring peace to our minds and comfort to our souls.

I pray that I never have to know how those parents in Connecticut feel today. I pray that my children never have to endure something like this. I pray that, eventually, those families can find peace. I know that those children are being received into His presence with loving arms. I know that today this knowledge doesn't make things any better or easier to digest but I pray that, in time, it will.

Today I am thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Today I am so thankful for the knowledge of eternal families. I am so grateful to I know that I get to have Justin, Clayton, Noah, Josie, and Sammie with me for eternity. I am thankful to know that death is not the end. I am thankful that I know that Heavenly Father loves us and is with us. I am thankful that I can hug my babies right now (and have, several times). I am thankful that I have these babies to hug. I am thankful that I know that they are mine forever - no matter how long this Earthly existence lasts.

My children are a blessing and a joy. My family is a blessing and a joy.

This world is sometimes a horrible place. However, we can't let the fact that it can be horrible overshadow the fact that it can be wonderful too. There is good and there is bad in the world. I need to believe (especially today) that there is still more good than bad.

My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with those who have lost someone in Connecticut.

So to Ashley: have babies. Yes, it's scary. But when I weigh the happiness and laughter and excitement and fun against the fear and nervousness and tears...joy wins every time. No contest. Nothing that can happen in this life can take away my joy and my experiences with my children. I can't imagine not having this life and this family. It's worth it. Always.